I was thinking for a long time, considering... Should I post this or shouldn't I? I need a very brave heart posting this one. And well, why shouldn't I?

I keep wondering all this time, asking myself, "Is it wrong?" and "Am I wrong?" and "Where have I been?". Also saying to myself, "I was so stupid!"

And now, you must be wondering what it is all about actually. hahahaha...

The story starts here...

I have an old friend. We've been friend for seven years, more or less. We're not a close friend, yet we communicate to each other well. Yeah, not that well, but not bad. For sure, we're just friend. However, I actually am not sure how it happens, now we become a little bit closer to each other. This one is something that I've never thought about before. Our closeness is so...what should I call it? Mmmm, Accidental? Coincidental? Because, whenever I think about it, it's just so weird that I can not get it. Well, I just can't get it.

We're closer now. We communicate more often. We know about each other quite well. We joke around. We discuss many things. We tease each other. We talk, we laugh. Nonetheless, I won't talk about us, I will only talk about me. It's all about my feeling, while I don't know about his, and I'm not a kind of person who concludes anything based on feeling. Since I'm so logical, I need facts and proofs. So, again, I don't know about his feeling at all, and I never wanna guess, thus it's all just about me.

I feel comfortable having a chat with him. I feel happy when I talk to him. I feel like he's so smart, so I can converse many things with him, share everything that I wanna share and ask his opinion about whatever. The funny things are I'm not shy to tell him many things and to express my thoughts about anything, even I don't mind if he sees my foolishness or silliness. I usually don't want someone can see my flaws.

In the beginning, I asked myself, "why?". Then I thought about it clearly in my mind, looking for an answer, but I found nothing. So, I saw clearly to my heart, begging sincerely. And I just knew then. Aaa...so I like that person.

Therefore I wonder, "Is it wrong?"

Is it wrong to like someone who is actually a friend for so long? Am I wrong if I like my old friend? Why now? I mean he's my friend for years, why just now? Where have I been for all that time? Did I just realize about his existence? I was so stupid then.

Yes, I have to admit that I like him. Yet, I am happy about it. I don't feel worried about my feeling towards him. I don't think about it, I just feel it, let my heart speak louder than before. Well, it's quite new for me, because usually I let my mind speak and force my heart to shut. Ya, I am happy.

I enjoy every moment, every beat of my heart, everything that I feel and every feeling which I have for him. I choose enjoying this feeling inside my heart towards him, instead of worrying about his feeling towards me. I choose enjoying what I feel now, instead of worrying what will happen later. The future will eventually come and I will find out in the end. Let it be.

Is it wrong? I still don't know the answer. That I know for sure is I don't wanna lose him as a friend. If fate puts me and him together, he will be my lifetime 'friend'. If destiny wants me and him separated, he will be still my friend. Whatever future will bring, I will keep him as my friend, since he is a precious friend of mine.

So, is it wrong?

Siang dan malam.
Matahari dan bulan.
Panas dan dingin.
Kemarau dan hujan.

Tuhan menciptakan dua hal yang bertentangan di alam semesta ini. Bila kita mengamati dengan jeli, kita akan menemukan maknanya bagi kehidupan kita. Jujur, saya baru mengerti beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Ya, bisa saja saya terlambat tau, tapi lebih baik terlambat daripada tidak sama sekali, kan?

Dua sisi kehidupan, terang dan gelap. Seperti banyak orang bilang, hidup itu seperti roda, kadang di atas dan kadang di bawah. Namun, saya lebih suka menyebut hidup itu seperti siang dan malam, ada terang dan ada gelap. Alasannya sederhana, roda adalah buatan manusia, sedangkan siang dan malam adalah buatan Tuhan. Saya lebih suka mengibaratkan sesuatu dari alam, kreasi Sang Maha Pencipta.

Siang itu terang. Saya mengumpamakan siang sebagai "di atas". Ketika matahari memancarkan sinarnya, segalanya jadi lebih berwarna, lebih menyenangkan. Akan tetapi, siang tidak selalu terang. Akan ada waktu di mana mendung, hujan, bahkan badai menyelimuti siang. Akan ada waktu di mana "terang" diisi dengan "pernak-pernik siang". Hal ini pasti terjadi dan pasti sementara.

Malam itu gelap. Ketika siang berganti malam, segalanya menjadi gelap. Saya mengumpamakan malam sebagai "di bawah", karena sulit sekali melihat dan berjalan di saat gelap. Terlebih lagi bila malam disertai badai, segalanya bertambah kelam dan mengerikan. Ketika ini terjadi, berlindunglah, dan tunggu hingga badainya reda. Namun, di saat malam terkadang juga dihiasi bulan dan bintang. Masih ada cahaya di saat matahari sudah tenggelam. Akan ada waktu di mana "gelap" diisi dengan "pernak-pernik malam". Hal ini pasti terjadi dan pasti sementara.

Saya memang mengibaratkan malam yang gelap sebagai "di bawah" dan siang yang terang sebagai "di atas", tapi bukan berarti malam itu duka dan siang itu suka. Saya selalu percaya bahwa suka dan duka adalah pilihan, bukan takdir. Begini mudahnya, ketika siang tiba, ketika berada "di atas", apakah semua orang bahagia? Ketika malam tiba, ketika berada "di bawah", apakah semua orang berduka? Jawabannya tentu saja belum tentu. Jadi, bahagia atau tidak sama sekali tidak bergantung dari terang atau gelapnya kehidupan.

Terang dan gelap akan selalu hadir dalam hidup kita, seperti halnya dalam hidup saya. Selama 23 tahun saya di dunia, saya menyadari bahwa saya mengalami siang dan malam yang cukup seimbang yang diisi dengan pernak-perniknya. Dan untuk saat ini, bumi saya masih malam. Sempat terjadi hujan dan badai yang sangat kencang menerpa malam saya, tapi sekarang sudah reda, dan bulan baru saja muncul. Sudah ada cahaya di malam saya.

Semburat Merah di Ufuk Timur

Sekarang, saya sedang menikmati malam yang diterangi cahaya bulan. Saya memilih menikmatinya sambil menunggu munculnya semburat merah di ufuk timur. Ya, saya menunggu datangnya fajar.

Just for You karya Mutiara Andalas adalah sebuah buku yang diberikan oleh salah satu sahabat saya, Mutiana Muspita Jeli, ketika saya berulang tahun beberapa tahun lalu-saya lupa kapan pastinya. Buku ini berisi tentang perhatian, pengertian, harapan, cinta, dan kehidupan manusia dengan manusia, serta manusia dengan Tuhan. Buku yang sangat menginspirasi. Dulu, ketika saya membacanya pertama kali, banyak hal yang belum saya mengerti akan makna dibalik tulisan-tulisan di buku itu. Sekarang, ketika saya membacanya kembali, saya mengerti semuanya. Saya rasa, pengalaman berperan penting bagi saya untuk mengerti segalanya. Ya, perjalanan hidup memang mengajari banyak hal, hal-hal yang tidak ada di buku mana pun.

Membaca buku tersebut membuat saya ingin berbagi tentang harapan dan keyakinan. Mengapa dua hal tersebut yang ingin saya bahas? Alasannya adalah karena saya merasa bahwa harapan dan keyakinan yang bisa membuat saya bangkit dari setiap masalah yang menimpa saya. Saya tidak akan membahasnya jika saya tidak pernah merasakan keajaiban dari sebuah harapan dan keyakinan dalam hidup saya.

Di buku tersebut dikatakan, harapan itu seperti sebatang lilin yang menyala. Jika satu saja dihidupkan, ia akan menerangi sebuah ruangan yang gelap. Jika satu saja dihidupkan, ia akan dapat menyalakan lilin-lilin lainnya. Ketika lilin pengharapan masih ada, lilin yang lain pun bisa dihidupkan.

Kita cenderung berhenti berharap saat diberitahu kemungkinan terburuk. Padahal, keajaiban akan selalu hadir ketika kita memiliki harapan. Dan kita harus yakin akan hal ini. Percaya, bahwa keajaiban itu selalu ada. Hal inilah yang membuat saya kuat dan bangkit dalam menghadapi setiap masalah, sebesar apa pun itu.

Ketika kita mengalami kesulitan, ketika kenyataan yang ada begitu pahit, ketika hidup begitu kelam, ketika masalah terus saja datang, merenunglah. Renungkan mengapa kita mengalami kesulitan. Renungkan mengapa kenyataan terasa pahit. Renungkan mengapa hidup terasa kelam. Renungkan mengapa Tuhan memberikan kita masalah. Renungkan apa yang kita miliki hingga saat ini. Lihatlah segalanya dari sisi positifnya, hilangkan negatifnya.

Kesulitan adalah cara Tuhan untuk membuat kita menjadi lebih kuat, lebih dekat dengan-Nya, bukan lebih jauh. Berharaplah dan yakinlah. Kenyataan yang pahit itu ada karena kita mengambil buah yang salah. Buang buah itu, dan cari buah yang lain, pasti akan ada yang manis. Berharaplah dan yakinlah. Hidup terasa kelam karena kita tidak mau melihat sisi terangnya. Ingatlah bahwa bulan dan bintang diciptakan untuk menyinari malam. Selalu ada cahaya dalam setiap kegelapan. Berharaplah dan yakinlah. Masalah yang terus datang adalah sebuah ujian dari Tuhan, yang akan membuat kita naik kelas jika kita mampu melaluinya. Tuhan tahu yang terbaik untuk kita dan tidak pernah memberikan masalah yang tidak dapat ditanggung oleh umat-Nya. Berharaplah dan yakinlah.

Kita butuh memahami bahwa Tuhan memberikan beban yang sesuai beratnya dengan kemampuan bahu kita untuk menopangnya. Dan ketika beban itu terlalu berat, Tuhan menciptakan banyak bahu untuk membantu. Kita harus yakin bahwa selalu ada harapan biarpun hanya segaris. Karena dengan harapan, akan ada segaris...segaris...dan segaris lagi.

Di mana ada harapan, di situ ada kehidupan. Yakinlah!

So, now I finally decided to share about my up-down life of these recent years. It's not exact detail of course, just a brief one. *grin*

As I ever wrote before on my previous post, 2010 was a hard year for me, yet I got many things to learn. And unfortunately, 2011 was much harder than 2010. Much much harder! I think that 2011 is the hardest year ever in my 23-year-life, for sure! I guessed 2011 would be a very good year for me, but I was wrong, totally. In that year, I lost my love, my job, my business and my health. Can you imagine? If you can't, I'll tell you.

First thing that I lost was my love. As you can guess, I  broke up with my boyfriend. I actually don't want to write it as 'love', yet it's just the simplest word to describe for relationship status. The matter was, that relationship was the most real relationship that I ever had. He promised me a marriage, in 2011! And, instead of marriage, it's a separation. Oh ya, for your information, he left me. Pity of me? Don't be! I was totally fine at that time. I cried a lot for sure, but I was fine. I thank God, really! God had showed me the right way before it went so wrong.

Second I lost was my business. I, and four of my best friends, had a business in our campus called Rumpis (Rumah Pisang). We were so busy since we all had worked, then we couldn't take care of our Rumpis properly. Thus, it collapsed. It really made me sad, sadder than breaking up, hahaha. Nonetheless, one day, I really will build it up again.

The third one was my health. I was soooooooo busy at my office. I was working at one big Public Relations consultant which its working hour was very flexible. Then, I didn't care enough of my health. Everyday, even Saturday and Sunday, sometimes, I had to work. I dropped terribly, I missed working for more than a week, bed rest.

My health impacted my job. I had to choose, my health or my job. I couldn't get both. If I wanted to regain my health, I needed to let go off my job. Why? Because I would keep busy all the time, that I wouldn't have time to take care of myself and regain my health. In the end, I decided to resign, for the sake of me and the company. That was a short period of time of me working there. However, I obtained many experiences, I learned many things. I guessed I wouldn't have got that many, unless I had worked there. So, I was grateful for me being there.

All those things happened in 2011, from June to August. Yes, only in three months. Then, I went back to my home in Bandar Lampung, recovering my health. Thank God I recovered, also, in three months. Beside taking care of my body, at the same time I was healing my pain. Though I was fine, it didn't mean that it didn't hurt, my heart. It's just like, when you fall from your bike, you bleed and hurt, but you're still fine. Same thing happens to heart. I could heal my pain faster than I imagined before, I only needed two months. And, believe it or not, the thing which helped me was Korean drama! Yup, it seemed ridiculous, hahahaha..

One K-drama titled Secret Garden was my savior. It made me smile and having faith, a bigger faith than I had before, that life was soooooo beautiful. Secret Garden is a fiction, fantasy, yet I'm just hypnotized by the story. I won't tell you about the story of Secret Garden, I just wanna tell you that it makes me believe that happiness is around the corner, a perfect beautiful fate has arranged by God. The matter is, I need to believe, I have to believe. That's all.

Now, I am happy everyday, every single day. I smile, I laugh. I thank God for every single thing, the smallest even. When I feel a little bit angry or sad because I can't get what I want, I simply think about what I have. Since it's countless, then I smile again, laugh again, happy again. Be positive, and the positive things surely will come. Happiness is an option, we choose!