Tidak Tahu


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

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Sudah lama tidak menulis di sini, dan sekarang saya memilih hari Natal untuk bercerita. Tidak, saya tidak merayakan Natal, tapi saya merayakan ulang tahun pernikahan kedua orang tua saya yang ke-26. Selamat ulang tahun pernikahan, Mama dan Papap :)

25 Desember 2013, 7 hari sebelum memasuki 2014, 35 hari sebelum saya berusia 25. Waktu terlalu cepat, bukan? Masih banyak yang belum saya lakukan, tetapi saya sudah hampir seperempat abad. Namun, sungguh saya bersyukur karena Tuhan begitu baik memberikan saya hidup hingga saat ini.

Sebenarnya saya tidak tahu harus menulis apa, tidak tahu harus mulai dari mana, tidak tahu mau bercerita seperti apa. Tidak tahu. Yang saya tahu, saat saya menulis ini saya sedang memikirkan seseorang. Ia hadir enam tahun lalu, ketika saya belum tahu siapa saya, apa yang saya inginkan, dan apa yang saya butuhkan. Enam tahun lalu, tapi entah kenapa rasanya masih seperti kemarin.

Sekarang, saya sedang bertanya pada diri sendiri: apa kata hati saya?

Sejujurnya saya sedang bingung, bingung dengan perasaan saya sendiri, bingung tentang apa yang harus saya lakukan. Ketika sedang bingung, banyak orang bilang tanya pada hati apa yang benar-benar kita inginkan. Saya coba, saya tanya hati saya. Jawabnya: Tidak tahu.

Selama enam tahun, baru sekarang saya menyadari sesuatu. Perasaan saya padanya tidak pernah berubah, masih ada dan masih sama. Enam tahun, dan baru sadar, saya benar-benar merasa bodoh. Tapi aneh, saya justru tidak tahu apa yang hati saya mau. Lalu, apa yang harus saya lakukan?

Saya bilang perasaan saya masih ada dan masih sama, lalu mengapa saya bilang saya tidak tahu apa kata hati saya? Satu hal, perasaan ini, yang masih ada dan masih sama ini, tidak bisa saya definisikan. Enam tahun lalu bahkan saya belum tahu siapa saya, jadi sekarang saya tidak tahu perasaan apa yang saya punya padanya. Apakah suka, apakah kagum, apakah sayang, apakah penasaran, apakah apa. Tidak tahu. Saya tidak tahu.

Tolong, beritahu saya.

Now, I'm in the middle of left and right, but I don't know which way I should take.

Simple Question, Complicated Answers


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

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Hari Jumat beberapa minggu yang lalu, gak inget kapan pastinya, me and my friends had a breakfast and conversations after the aerobic hour in office. Kita ngobrol banyak hal, tapi most of it ngomongin soal nikah. Gah, it seems like it's a common conversation nowadays.

It was six of us, generally same age, 22-25, and we're all single in term of marriage. Dari enam, hanya dua yang punya pacar, haha. Gw tentunya termasuk yang tidak punya. No matter. At all. Dan ternyata di situ, gw adalah satu-satunya yang nggak mau nikah muda, atau bisa dibilang pilih karir dulu baru nikah. Lima lainnya, of course, pilih nikah secepatnya.

Satu pertanyaan yang sangat to the point, yang saat itu gw jawab sekenanya dan akhirnya bikin kepikiran, "Ty, kenapa lo gak mau nikah muda, pilih karir dulu baru nikah?" At that time, jawaban gw cuma, "Hmmm, kenapa ya... Ya, karena gw mau aja." Padahal sebenarnya gw punya jawaban yang cukup panjang soal itu, haha. Tapi sometimes, I guess it's my weakness, gw terlalu malas untuk jawab sesuatu yang complicated ketika gw gak mau, dan juga malas mikir. It's actually simple question, with complicated answers, haha.

Jadi, gw mau jawab itu di sini aja, since I got the mood.
(1) Gw mau nikah ketika gw merasa sangat siap lahir batin untuk berumah tangga. Dan untuk jawaban itu, pasti akan ada pertanyaan lanjutan, seperti: kapan siapnya; gimana taunya kalo udah siap; gimana kalo gak siap sampai kapan pun; dan pertanyaan lainnya. Go to 2.
(2) Gw akan siap ketika -gw selalu yakin dengan rencana hidup gw- gw udah puas dengan kesendirian gw. Anyway, gw juga punya target untuk nikah kok.
(3) Gw punya banyak mimpi yang mau gw raih dan hal yang mau gw lakukan sebelum nikah, such resolutions in life. Yang pasti, gw kuliah dulu sebelum nikah. Kenapa? See 4.
(4) Gw mau sekolah karena cita-cita gw adalah jadi dosen. Thus, it's important. Dan, ketika gw nikah, gw mau langsung punya anak, ngurus anak dengan baik, gak lagi mikirin sekolah. Got my point here?
(5) Gw pernah ada di situasi ketika gw pingin banget nikah muda. Actually gw merasa God showed me what I want truly in a right time. And what I want is not married in young age. It's a long story, so I end it here, hehe.
(6) To be sure and exact, gw mau meraih segala hal yang bisa gw raih dan melakukan segala hal yang bisa gw lakukan sebelum gw nikah. Dan gw perlu waktu untuk itu. That's why I don't wanna marry early. 

Those all are my answer. Complicated, no? Tapi gw percaya dengan rencana Tuhan kok. Kalo ternyata gw 'harus' menikah sebelum target waktu gw, ya that's okay. Atau ternyata setelah target, God knows the best when I know nothing. I thanked God, I thank God, and I'll thank God. 

Any more question?


Life is about answering questions

In the End...


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

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28 January 24 years ago, I was born. Yes, now I’m officially 24 years old. I ever imagined when I was little about how I turned out to be in 24; would I have married already?  Would I have been rich? Would I have been a career woman? And many many things went trough my mind. So, this is a bit amazing for me that I’m really 24, already, haha..

You know, when a woman reaches her 24-year-old, in Indonesia to be exact, many people think that she’s already an adult and ready for marriage, an ideal age. I was thinking that way, too, that it’s better if I could get married in 24. I was. However now, hmmm I’ve changed my mind.

Since a year ago, more or less, I realized something that my dreams were a lot, one of it was married for sure. Until now, they’re still a lot haha.. When I was dreaming to marry early, there were many dreams that I hid inside, that I felt I could reach it after I had married. But it was.

Gotten experiences and knowledge made me learn more about myself. About exactly what I want, exactly what I need, who I was. And I was so grateful that God showed me that I was wrong. Thus from a hurtful experiences, God led my way to find myself, to find what I really want and need in life. Thank God!

So for now, I have a loooooot of dreams to be reached! I wanna get my master; I wanna be a lecturer; I wanna have my own business; I wanna travel around Indonesia, around the globe; I wanna have my comfortable house with a very beautiful seascape; I wanna take my parents to Hajj; I wanna marry when I’m 26; I wanna go to Santorini for my honeymoon (it’s a guilty pleasure anyway :p); I wanna have 2 children; I wanna share my life with the man I love who loves God, me and family, who’s a kind-hearted, smart and responsible; I wanna spend my life by helping others, with my husband and children. I want many! In my mind, there are still a lot if I dig deeper.

To be honest, there’s one thing that I’m curious enough: who’ll be my husband? Haha.. Like, have I met him before, or do I know him, or is he actually my friend, or does he a new person in my life, or when will we meet. I believe that I’m not alone who’s thinking that way, am I? Yes I’m so curious, but the time will come, a very right time, because God’s never late or too early. I believe it that way.

In the end, I'll say, "Aaaaa... so it's him."






No matter how far, how tough, how rough, there's always and end of a journey. In the end.

There's A Time for Brain and Heart to Fight


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

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Again, and again, I wanna share what's inside my mind, mmm and heart.

Ceritanya dimulai dari conversation antara gw dan nyokap tadi sore. I guess it's actually my fault yang bilang, "ya ampun, ini udah bulan November aja. Dua bulan lagi aku 24 tahun!" Yup, I will be 24 on January yang menyebabkan nyokap bertanya mengenai a special person, which is I don't have. Gw bilang sama nyokap kalo gw mau married nanti umur 26 tahun, simply karena masih banyak hal yang mau gw capai sebelum nikah, salah satunya sekolah. Tapi, jawaban nyokap cukup 'jleb' buat gw, "Ya nggak apa-apa, umur segitu pas kok, tapi kan semua butuh persiapan." Hmmm, iya juga ya. Yang begini nih yang bikin kepikiran. It reminds me that I'm not that young anymore.

In my last post before this one, I wrote about Adele's song Someone Like You, that I stated I will find someone like you, someone who's best for me. Okay, I'll tell the truth, there's a good news and a bad news. The good news is actually I've found 'someone like you', even better. And, the bad news is I don't know whether he's found me or not. Yes, I like someone, but I have no idea apakah dia punya perasaan yang sama atau nggak. I never show my feeling to him. Lucunya, dia adalah orang yang unpredictable for me to find, because he's my friend. Justru, lebih predictable kalo gw ketemu orang baru, instead of suka dengan teman lama. Apalagi, gw sama sekali ga pernah punya perasaan apa pun ke dia sebelumnya. So, it's really new for me, this feeling.

Singkat ceritanya adalah gw dan dia cukup dekat sekarang, tapi ya dekat as friend. He's a beautiful good friend for me, that I like so much, more than a friend. Sejujurnya gw udah ngga terlalu mikirin tentang perasaan gw lagi, karena gw punya statement "however things turn out, it's alright", means gw nggak keberatan apa pun yang terjadi antara gw dan dia nantinya. Tapi, pembicaraan dengan nyokap tadi cukup bikin gw kepikiran lagi, since I like him a lot. Sekarang, cuma dia satu-satunya orang yang ada di otak gw ketika nyokap, atau siapa pun itu, yang bertanya soal "pasangan". But again, I just can't show my feeling to him.

Okay, there's a time when I have a kind of willingness to just go to him, and saying everything in my heart, all feeling inside and ask him what I should do next. I'm kinda tired with this guessing and waiting things. But ya, just sometimes. Yet, I am still silent until now. Then I wonder, should I praise myself for using my brain that well, or should I blame myself for successfully shutting my heart? Yeah well, I don't do both, because I am a bad decision maker. That I know, for now brain still win.

And anyway for these telling or keeping feeling, my best friends told me once that I had to give hints. Yang jadi masalah adalah, what kind of hints? Gw nggak bisa asal kasih dia clue tentang perasaan gw, karena dia teman gw. Oke, gw berulang kali bilang that he is my friend, mungkin ada yang bertanya, "Terus masalahnya dimana?" Masalah ada pada gw yang menganggap dia sebagai teman yang sangat berharga, dan gw nggak mau kehilangan teman berharga itu. I admit that i'm afraid of losing him. Gw takut, kalo dia tau tentang perasaan gw ke dia, dia akan menjauh dari gw. I'm afraid that he'll go from me, so I just keep my feeling inside. Being his friend is enough for me if it can keep him beside me. I guess, it actually hurts, but I always can endure the pain, all pains.

Conversation dengan nyokap tadi membuat gw berpikir lebih jauh. Kalo misalnya gw dan dia remain friend, then when will I find someone like him? Gw bukan orang yang mudah suka sama cowok. Ada dua hal yang bisa bikin gw kagum sama seseorang, pintar dan baik hati. Dia punya keduanya, those make me admire him. Chatting, joking, teasing, laughing, sharing changed admiring become liking. He has same vision about life as mine. He has different characters from mine which can complete me, I think. He is actually a man that I ever imagined as an ideal man. I never thought that my ideal man was really exist. So, this condition makes me wondering, when I will find the other ideal man, if we're not meant to be together. I have a deadline, hahaha...

Sebenarnya sih saat ini gw masih santai-santai aja, tapi ya gw punya deadline, apalagi nyokap udah bilang begitu. However, I always have faith in my heart, that my day will come with the right person in it. "Someday, God knows when, but someday it'll be my day." - Jane Nichols, 27 Dresses.


                                   "If this is love then love is easy
                                   It's the easiest thing to do
                                   If this is love then love completes me
                                   Cause the proof is I've been missing you"

                                                              Love is Easy, McFly