Confession


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

No comments

A month ago, I confessed to someone. It was his birthday, the day that I chose to confess. After greeting him a happy birthday through text, I did it.

I feel like I have nothing to lose, that's why... I like him for about 7 years now, but we haven't met for 6 years. Kinda long, huh? It's crazy even for me. I never like someone for that long before, moreover for a person whom I don't see in 6 years. It already takes too long, that's why too...

Of course, for all these 6 years I have met several guys. I liked someone else, I was even in a relationship. But you know, he's the only one remains. Even when I liked another person, I never really erased him. It's not that I like 2 people at the same time, but it's like after my feeling to another person's gone, I think about him again. And it's always like that.

Usually, the longest time that I ever liked someone was 2 years. After I liked that person, and nothing happened, I would forget him totally. Forget in the context of no remain feeling at all. However, he's exceptional. I never forget him, or maybe I don't want to. He's like having a secret and sacred place in my heart, somehow hidden, and untouched.

Maybe, many or some of people still think that woman shouldn't confess first. But for me, why not? It's not something shameful, right? Is liking someone a sin? Man may like woman, then man can confess. Woman may like man, so why can't woman confess? We, women, also have right to let our heart been heard. When I liked someone for 1 or 2 year(s), I could just keep it for myself, not confessing. Well, I would forget it in the end, so why bothered. Nonetheless, liking someone for 7 years, it's too much for me to keep it hidden. That's why...

To him, I said that I liked him for all these years (he knew it at the first place 7 years ago, but he didn't know I still liked him until now), I didn't know why and I didn't understand why it never changed. I said to him that I wouldn't be sorry for my feeling towards him, but I felt sorry for my sudden confession because I didn't know if he had girlfriend or someone he liked, so this had may bother him. I also said that though I felt sorry, I still needed to confess, because I thought I would regret if I didn't say it.

His response was good, but I would keep it for myself, his answer. Anyway, I didn't ask anything to him in my confession. I really just confessed. However, I want to ask him one thing. No, I don't ask him, because I don't have the courage. It's only my greed.

There's also another secret about me that I wanna reveal. Actually, I have special ability to move on. So, when I say "I let you go", then my feeling to that person will vanish gradually. Slowly, but gone. So, to him that I like for 7 years, I just haven't let him go. For now, I think I still don't want to.

So M, should I wait, or shouldn't I?
That's the question, which I don't have the courage to ask.

A little confession won't hurt

Tidak Tahu


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

No comments

Sudah lama tidak menulis di sini, dan sekarang saya memilih hari Natal untuk bercerita. Tidak, saya tidak merayakan Natal, tapi saya merayakan ulang tahun pernikahan kedua orang tua saya yang ke-26. Selamat ulang tahun pernikahan, Mama dan Papap :)

25 Desember 2013, 7 hari sebelum memasuki 2014, 35 hari sebelum saya berusia 25. Waktu terlalu cepat, bukan? Masih banyak yang belum saya lakukan, tetapi saya sudah hampir seperempat abad. Namun, sungguh saya bersyukur karena Tuhan begitu baik memberikan saya hidup hingga saat ini.

Sebenarnya saya tidak tahu harus menulis apa, tidak tahu harus mulai dari mana, tidak tahu mau bercerita seperti apa. Tidak tahu. Yang saya tahu, saat saya menulis ini saya sedang memikirkan seseorang. Ia hadir enam tahun lalu, ketika saya belum tahu siapa saya, apa yang saya inginkan, dan apa yang saya butuhkan. Enam tahun lalu, tapi entah kenapa rasanya masih seperti kemarin.

Sekarang, saya sedang bertanya pada diri sendiri: apa kata hati saya?

Sejujurnya saya sedang bingung, bingung dengan perasaan saya sendiri, bingung tentang apa yang harus saya lakukan. Ketika sedang bingung, banyak orang bilang tanya pada hati apa yang benar-benar kita inginkan. Saya coba, saya tanya hati saya. Jawabnya: Tidak tahu.

Selama enam tahun, baru sekarang saya menyadari sesuatu. Perasaan saya padanya tidak pernah berubah, masih ada dan masih sama. Enam tahun, dan baru sadar, saya benar-benar merasa bodoh. Tapi aneh, saya justru tidak tahu apa yang hati saya mau. Lalu, apa yang harus saya lakukan?

Saya bilang perasaan saya masih ada dan masih sama, lalu mengapa saya bilang saya tidak tahu apa kata hati saya? Satu hal, perasaan ini, yang masih ada dan masih sama ini, tidak bisa saya definisikan. Enam tahun lalu bahkan saya belum tahu siapa saya, jadi sekarang saya tidak tahu perasaan apa yang saya punya padanya. Apakah suka, apakah kagum, apakah sayang, apakah penasaran, apakah apa. Tidak tahu. Saya tidak tahu.

Tolong, beritahu saya.

Now, I'm in the middle of left and right, but I don't know which way I should take.

Simple Question, Complicated Answers


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

No comments

Hari Jumat beberapa minggu yang lalu, gak inget kapan pastinya, me and my friends had a breakfast and conversations after the aerobic hour in office. Kita ngobrol banyak hal, tapi most of it ngomongin soal nikah. Gah, it seems like it's a common conversation nowadays.

It was six of us, generally same age, 22-25, and we're all single in term of marriage. Dari enam, hanya dua yang punya pacar, haha. Gw tentunya termasuk yang tidak punya. No matter. At all. Dan ternyata di situ, gw adalah satu-satunya yang nggak mau nikah muda, atau bisa dibilang pilih karir dulu baru nikah. Lima lainnya, of course, pilih nikah secepatnya.

Satu pertanyaan yang sangat to the point, yang saat itu gw jawab sekenanya dan akhirnya bikin kepikiran, "Ty, kenapa lo gak mau nikah muda, pilih karir dulu baru nikah?" At that time, jawaban gw cuma, "Hmmm, kenapa ya... Ya, karena gw mau aja." Padahal sebenarnya gw punya jawaban yang cukup panjang soal itu, haha. Tapi sometimes, I guess it's my weakness, gw terlalu malas untuk jawab sesuatu yang complicated ketika gw gak mau, dan juga malas mikir. It's actually simple question, with complicated answers, haha.

Jadi, gw mau jawab itu di sini aja, since I got the mood.
(1) Gw mau nikah ketika gw merasa sangat siap lahir batin untuk berumah tangga. Dan untuk jawaban itu, pasti akan ada pertanyaan lanjutan, seperti: kapan siapnya; gimana taunya kalo udah siap; gimana kalo gak siap sampai kapan pun; dan pertanyaan lainnya. Go to 2.
(2) Gw akan siap ketika -gw selalu yakin dengan rencana hidup gw- gw udah puas dengan kesendirian gw. Anyway, gw juga punya target untuk nikah kok.
(3) Gw punya banyak mimpi yang mau gw raih dan hal yang mau gw lakukan sebelum nikah, such resolutions in life. Yang pasti, gw kuliah dulu sebelum nikah. Kenapa? See 4.
(4) Gw mau sekolah karena cita-cita gw adalah jadi dosen. Thus, it's important. Dan, ketika gw nikah, gw mau langsung punya anak, ngurus anak dengan baik, gak lagi mikirin sekolah. Got my point here?
(5) Gw pernah ada di situasi ketika gw pingin banget nikah muda. Actually gw merasa God showed me what I want truly in a right time. And what I want is not married in young age. It's a long story, so I end it here, hehe.
(6) To be sure and exact, gw mau meraih segala hal yang bisa gw raih dan melakukan segala hal yang bisa gw lakukan sebelum gw nikah. Dan gw perlu waktu untuk itu. That's why I don't wanna marry early. 

Those all are my answer. Complicated, no? Tapi gw percaya dengan rencana Tuhan kok. Kalo ternyata gw 'harus' menikah sebelum target waktu gw, ya that's okay. Atau ternyata setelah target, God knows the best when I know nothing. I thanked God, I thank God, and I'll thank God. 

Any more question?


Life is about answering questions

In the End...


posted by Tyara Mandasari on

No comments

28 January 24 years ago, I was born. Yes, now I’m officially 24 years old. I ever imagined when I was little about how I turned out to be in 24; would I have married already?  Would I have been rich? Would I have been a career woman? And many many things went trough my mind. So, this is a bit amazing for me that I’m really 24, already, haha..

You know, when a woman reaches her 24-year-old, in Indonesia to be exact, many people think that she’s already an adult and ready for marriage, an ideal age. I was thinking that way, too, that it’s better if I could get married in 24. I was. However now, hmmm I’ve changed my mind.

Since a year ago, more or less, I realized something that my dreams were a lot, one of it was married for sure. Until now, they’re still a lot haha.. When I was dreaming to marry early, there were many dreams that I hid inside, that I felt I could reach it after I had married. But it was.

Gotten experiences and knowledge made me learn more about myself. About exactly what I want, exactly what I need, who I was. And I was so grateful that God showed me that I was wrong. Thus from a hurtful experiences, God led my way to find myself, to find what I really want and need in life. Thank God!

So for now, I have a loooooot of dreams to be reached! I wanna get my master; I wanna be a lecturer; I wanna have my own business; I wanna travel around Indonesia, around the globe; I wanna have my comfortable house with a very beautiful seascape; I wanna take my parents to Hajj; I wanna marry when I’m 26; I wanna go to Santorini for my honeymoon (it’s a guilty pleasure anyway :p); I wanna have 2 children; I wanna share my life with the man I love who loves God, me and family, who’s a kind-hearted, smart and responsible; I wanna spend my life by helping others, with my husband and children. I want many! In my mind, there are still a lot if I dig deeper.

To be honest, there’s one thing that I’m curious enough: who’ll be my husband? Haha.. Like, have I met him before, or do I know him, or is he actually my friend, or does he a new person in my life, or when will we meet. I believe that I’m not alone who’s thinking that way, am I? Yes I’m so curious, but the time will come, a very right time, because God’s never late or too early. I believe it that way.

In the end, I'll say, "Aaaaa... so it's him."






No matter how far, how tough, how rough, there's always and end of a journey. In the end.