Again, and again, I wanna share what's inside my mind, mmm and heart.
Ceritanya dimulai dari conversation antara gw dan nyokap tadi sore. I guess it's actually my fault yang bilang, "ya ampun, ini udah bulan November aja. Dua bulan lagi aku 24 tahun!" Yup, I will be 24 on January yang menyebabkan nyokap bertanya mengenai a special person, which is I don't have. Gw bilang sama nyokap kalo gw mau married nanti umur 26 tahun, simply karena masih banyak hal yang mau gw capai sebelum nikah, salah satunya sekolah. Tapi, jawaban nyokap cukup 'jleb' buat gw, "Ya nggak apa-apa, umur segitu pas kok, tapi kan semua butuh persiapan." Hmmm, iya juga ya. Yang begini nih yang bikin kepikiran. It reminds me that I'm not that young anymore.
In my last post before this one, I wrote about Adele's song Someone Like You, that I stated I will find someone like you, someone who's best for me. Okay, I'll tell the truth, there's a good news and a bad news. The good news is actually I've found 'someone like you', even better. And, the bad news is I don't know whether he's found me or not. Yes, I like someone, but I have no idea apakah dia punya perasaan yang sama atau nggak. I never show my feeling to him. Lucunya, dia adalah orang yang unpredictable for me to find, because he's my friend. Justru, lebih predictable kalo gw ketemu orang baru, instead of suka dengan teman lama. Apalagi, gw sama sekali ga pernah punya perasaan apa pun ke dia sebelumnya. So, it's really new for me, this feeling.
Singkat ceritanya adalah gw dan dia cukup dekat sekarang, tapi ya dekat as friend. He's a beautiful good friend for me, that I like so much, more than a friend. Sejujurnya gw udah ngga terlalu mikirin tentang perasaan gw lagi, karena gw punya statement "however things turn out, it's alright", means gw nggak keberatan apa pun yang terjadi antara gw dan dia nantinya. Tapi, pembicaraan dengan nyokap tadi cukup bikin gw kepikiran lagi, since I like him a lot. Sekarang, cuma dia satu-satunya orang yang ada di otak gw ketika nyokap, atau siapa pun itu, yang bertanya soal "pasangan". But again, I just can't show my feeling to him.
Okay, there's a time when I have a kind of willingness to just go to him,
and saying everything in my heart, all feeling inside and ask him what I
should do next. I'm kinda tired with this guessing and waiting things.
But ya, just sometimes. Yet, I am still silent until now. Then I wonder, should I praise myself for using my brain that well, or should I blame myself for successfully shutting my heart? Yeah well, I don't do both, because I am a bad decision maker. That I know, for now brain still win.
And anyway for these telling or keeping feeling, my best friends told me once that I had to give hints. Yang jadi masalah adalah, what kind of hints? Gw nggak bisa asal kasih dia clue tentang perasaan gw, karena dia teman gw. Oke, gw berulang kali bilang that he is my friend, mungkin ada yang bertanya, "Terus masalahnya dimana?" Masalah ada pada gw yang menganggap dia sebagai teman yang sangat berharga, dan gw nggak mau kehilangan teman berharga itu. I admit that i'm afraid of losing him. Gw takut, kalo dia tau tentang perasaan gw ke dia, dia akan menjauh dari gw. I'm afraid that he'll go from me, so I just keep my feeling inside. Being his friend is enough for me if it can keep him beside me. I guess, it actually hurts, but I always can endure the pain, all pains.
Conversation dengan nyokap tadi membuat gw berpikir lebih jauh. Kalo misalnya gw dan dia remain friend, then when will I find someone like him? Gw bukan orang yang mudah suka sama cowok. Ada dua hal yang bisa bikin gw kagum sama seseorang, pintar dan baik hati. Dia punya keduanya, those make me admire him. Chatting, joking, teasing, laughing, sharing changed admiring become liking. He has same vision about life as mine. He has different characters from mine which can complete me, I think. He is actually a man that I ever imagined as an ideal man. I never thought that my ideal man was really exist. So, this condition makes me wondering, when I will find the other ideal man, if we're not meant to be together. I have a deadline, hahaha...
Sebenarnya sih saat ini gw masih santai-santai aja, tapi ya gw punya deadline, apalagi nyokap udah bilang begitu. However, I always have faith in my heart, that my day will come with the right person in it. "Someday, God knows when, but someday it'll be my day." - Jane Nichols, 27 Dresses.
"If this is love then love is easy
It's the easiest thing to do
If this is love then love completes me
Cause the proof is I've been missing you"
Love is Easy, McFly
